We all know what a powerful tool listening is. We know that when people feel listened to they also feel valued, respected and engaged. Yet, I’m often told by the clients I work with that they don’t feel listened to at work. Of course there are many barriers to listening effectively. For example, have you ever found it difficult to listen to someone when a) you know the solution to the problem they are talking through or b) when you fell sure you know what they’re going to say next or c) when you can see they are missing the point?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, or you know you could listen better some of the time, you could try this simple technique taught to me some years ago by a wonderful man called Alan Mumford. At the time Alan was coaching me in facilitation skills and talking about how to judge when to speak out (make an intervention) and when to keep quiet. His advice was;
‘The first time I feel I want to intervene, I keep quiet. The second time I feel the need, I do the same. If I feel for a third time that I need to say something then, and only then, do I speak up. Very often if I wait until the third time, I won’t need to speak at all’
Here’s a way of applying this technique in a one to one conversation
Step One – the first time you want to speak, hold your tongue. If the other person has ‘dried up’ ask a question instead of offering an opinion or solution eg Tell me more about …
Step Two – the second time you want to speak, do the same. If another question isn’t appropriate, try reflecting back what you’ve heard so far and asking the other person to check that you have understood them eg So I think what you’re saying is that…Have I got that right?
Step Three – If you still want to speak then go ahead. A way to keep the conversation flowing and to help you stay in ‘listening mode’ is to frame your suggestions as questions rather than directions eg ‘have you thought about involving your team in this’? then ‘how do you think you can best do this?’ rather than ‘you need to involve the team and here’s the best way to do it …’
This technique works well in any situation where it’s important to give another person the opportunity to work out a solution for themselves, or when you just want to give someone some good quality ‘air time’. It’s a neat technique – easy to learn, easy to apply, and very effective.